THE SANDMAN PROJECT – Episode Six
The Lunar Conspiracy
[CAMERA… While the credits are rolling, the camera pans across a desk. The desk is messy. On it as permanent features are: a half empty cup of black coffee, an ashtray with cigarette butts spilling over onto the desk, a baseball, a paper mache vase made by a child with plastic flowers in it, several framed pictures containing members of a family, a computer, a monitor running a screen saver, a Save the Seals button, a couple of pens, a laundry receipt, and a clear plastic candy wrapper. Photographs of the main characters of our drama are paper-clipped to folders scattered across the desk. One folder is open. The main character David Faster smiles at the camera. The page opposite is marked up in red ink.
[MUSIC… a harmonica piece in the vein of the Rockford Files plays in the background. Overheard is a taped audio message from the School Board describing Mr. Faster’s supply teaching assignment for that day.
“Mr. Faster. Today you will be filling in for Mr. Casey, our hall monitor. Make sure to pick up your walkie-talkie in the main office. It is suggested that you not carry around any valuables. And of course, don’t forget to wear the shin pads.”
[CAMERA… After the credits have appeared the screen cuts to white and then slowly copy begins to roll up the screen:
“Government has too long been left
the sole responsibility for the education
of the young people of our province.
The private sector has a role to play
in the future of our nation.
Where better to mould the minds, skills and souls
of our children than in the market place.
The future is too precious to do any less.”
Assistant to the Deputy
Minister of Education
Province of Ontario, 1995
[CAMERA… Shot of opening title:
BEGIN THE BEGIN
FADE to white. CUT to a very tight shot of Faster’s face.
CUT TO a MEDIUM SHOT of Faster sitting on the edge of his cot in his jail cell. He is wearing a bright orange jail outfit. He is eating a pastrami and rye sandwich with a cup of coffee. Mustard drips from his sandwich onto his outfit. Someone off stage offers him a cigarette. Mouth full, Faster shakes his head. After swallowing a mouthful of coffee, Faster complains about a sore throat.
CUT to someone standing with their back to the camera handing Faster some lozenges.
CUT to Faster wiping his face with a napkin.
FASTER: “Life is filled with so many disappointments. Even the wise men bow down before his crown. Some of life’s experiences are disheartening. Some episodes leave a bitter taste on your tongue. Other events pass over you with the flow of time. You hardly notice that they have occurred. Though they leave no impression, you read about them in history books. I was going to meet the Sandman. I had so many questions to ask. More and more my travels throughout the school systems of southern Ontario were troubling me. All these queries pointed to the Sandman for explanation. He was Oz in Emerald City. Then I learned that I would not be meeting him. Still my questions retained their appetite. I had to clear my mind. It was difficult to think in the crowded streets of Hamilton so I dropped into a local theatre.”
[CAMERA… CUT to a view from the rear of a theatre with the silhouette of male heads watching the screen.
CUT to screen where a young couple are making love. She is dressed up as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. Her lover is the Tin Man. His vital organ has gone to rust. Dorothy kneels before the Tin Man with an oil tin.
CUT to shot from the stage of the theatre of men, each of them with a brown paper bag in their laps. They are moaning and singing to the Leonard Cohen song Suzanne.
CUT to street where Faster stumbled.
FASTER: “It was noisier in the theatre than in the streets. I left the theatre and wandered the lonely streets. There was a light drizzle. Lovers rushed to restaurants. Their laughter was no comfort to me. Drunks huddled in boarded up stores. Cops sat conversing in donut shops. I borrowed the emptiness of the night and aimed it at my soul. I came upon a church. It was lit up like a Christmas tree. I am not a religious man but I could feel God drawing me into that holy place. I climbed up those steps, the weight of my thoughts, my own Calvary.”
[CAMERA… Inside a church. Faster opens the door and steps inside.
CUT to view from the rear of the church with the silhouette of women’s heads watching the preacher.
CUT to a priest, tears running down his face, pointing up to the figure of Christ hanging on his cross.
CUT to shot from the pulpit down at the congregation of old women in kerchiefs, each of them with a Kleenex in their hands. They are weeping and singing to the Leonard Cohen song Suzanne.
FASTER: “The church was no quieter. I slunk out of the church and returned to my motel room and took a shower.”
[CAMERA… CUT TO CLOSE UP of Faster in the shower. He turns off the water and turns to the camera.
FASTER: “Ellen Ellery was in Hamilton. No matter how I tried, I could not avoid her. Luckily my new best friend, Roberto Lancherz, took Ellen off my hands during the evening hours.”
[CAMERA… CUT to Roberto Lanherz opening a hotel room for Ellen Ellery. He taps her on the bottom, looks back at the camera, winks, and then closes the door behind him.
CUT to Faster wrapped in a towel, shaving in front of the mirror. Faster addresses the camera, which is behind the mirror.
FASTER: “I began to make enquiries of my own. My findings were unsettling. Ellen was mixed up with a known felon, named Paul Man. Man was an agent for Genova, one of Marvellous’s chief competitors.”
[CAMERA… CUT to a scene in a hotel room where Paul Man has slapped Ellen. She grabs her purse on the bed, and pulls out a knife. Man grabs Ellen’s wrist, smiles, twists her arm. He pulls Ellen to him and kisses her. At first she resists, then embraces him. The knife falls to the floor.
FASTER: “I felt responsible for Ellen. I knew how she felt about me. For her, I was the love she had so long waited. And yet, I could not reciprocate. My heart was elsewhere.”
[CAMERA… CUT to scene in washroom where Ellen kneels before a toilet vomiting. Faster is behind her, holding her hair out of line of fire.
CUT to Faster who turns to the camera.
FASTER: “A decision was made to send me to Sudbury. There was a complication at the hotel, which made a departure advantageous for me.”
[CAMERA… Bell hop laying on the floor. Half of his foot has been blown off. Blood spurts out like a fountain.
CUT to shot of Lancherz at the bar, several empty glasses in front of him. His clothes are dischevelled, his hair uncombed. He is shoeless. Faster steps up from behind him and takes a stool at the bar.
FASTER: “As I was leaving the hotel, I met Roberto in the bar. I asked Roberto to say goodbye to Ellen for me. The poor fellow began to cry. I cried as well. Roberto and I had become so close. He informed me that Ellen had returned to Toronto to meet Paul Man. A shiver ran up my spine. Roberto was so distraught. No man had ever expressed such fondness for me. And though I am not of that sexual persuasion, I was touched.”
[CAMERA… CUT to Faster’s cell. He bows his head. He is softly weeping.
FASTER: “Was I condemned to be a prisoner of love?”
[CAMERA…. Faster begins to sing the Leonard Cohen song, Suzanne.
END OF THE FIRST SCENE
[CAMERA… Shot of title:
FADE to white. CUT to the offices of Roberto Lancherz. A secretary in a short skirt and bleached blond hair is sitting at a desk. Her legs crisscrossed, she is chewing gum and holding a steno pad. Occasionally her gum pops. Occasionally her legs exchange positions. She addresses the camera.
SECRETARY: “12.30 at the P.M. Tuesday. Boss. That Mr. Sandman guy you’re always going on about, well he rang from Kitchener. Or was it Kapuskasing? Something beginning with a K. Whatever! The important fact is that he called. Even his voice sounds short on the telephone. Maybe it was Copenhagen. Geography was not one of my strengths in high school. We had this old fart Mr. Pringle who used to stand behind us girls who were naturally gifted and look down our blouses. He drooled. What a sleaze bag. Mr. Sandman can’t make it to Hamilton on account of the airline strike at Heathrow. Or was it Gatwick? Maybe it wasn’t a strike. I might add that Mr. Sandman sounds cute. I tried to sound pleasant as you instructed and Mr. Sandman seemed to appreciate my efforts. I asked about the weather. He was courteous and not at all abrupt. A real gentleman even for a short one. He said it was raining. Or something. We had a bad connection. He wants to meet someone named Fester. Or was that Foster? He said that you would know to whom he was referring. I had to keep reminding him to speak up. He said he never spoke up. I told him that if he expected to get anywhere in life, he had to learn to speak up. Mr. Pringle taught us that. Mr. Sandman said he didn’t care much for Mr. Pringle’s wisdom. I told Mr. Sandman that he must be prepared to learn something every day. The untested life is not worth living. Mr. Pringle said that. That’s when my line with Mr. Sandman was cut. He did not call back. By the way, your wife called. She sounded upset. The poor dear. It seems her mouth is covered with cold sores. She’s made an appointment with her doctor and wants you to pick her up at 3 o’clock. Or was that 2? I wrote the address of her doctor down here somewhere but it has been temporarily misplaced.”
[CAMERA… CUT to title:
CABLE FROM DAVID FASTER TO SANDMAN
CUT to David Faster sitting at Roberto Lancherz’s desk. Behind him Lancherz’s secretary stands, chewing gum, one hand on her hip. David addresses the camera.
FASTER: “Suggest meeting Sudbury STOP four o’clock eighth March STOP park bench across from Savoy Theatre STOP next to stop sign STOP wearing pink carnation STOP bring own lunch STOP regards Faster STOP”
[CAMERA… CUT to title:
LETTER FROM SANDMAN TO PAUL MAN
CUT to a darkened Lancherz’s office. The Sandman, a tiny figure, is sitting on the desk, his legs dangling, cigarette smoke drifting out of his mouth. He is silhouetted against the drawn sheer curtains. His voice is low and menacing. When his emotions rise, his voice rises then breaks.
SANDMAN: “March 7. Paul. You idiot! Are you purposely trying to sabotage my project? You scared the hell out of Marvellous. You and your introductory psychology. Who put that stupid idea into your head to act like a psychopath? Or are you freelancing again? I can’t seem to get it into your head. We are trying to get Marvellous and his cohorts to join us. Didn’t they teach restraint at college? I should never have listened to your mother. I warned you about Marvellous. He is a weak knee louse. And his partner is worse. The idea was that they would cave in to Genova’s demands not that they should lose their nerve all together. They are supposed to believe that Genova is an outside force. In this way we can expand our one third share to one half… And no more talk about Detroit muscle. Have patience, Paul. Try to use the brains that you inherited from me… Regarding this fellow Faster. Stay away from him. He is vital to our negotiations with Marvellous. Don’t underestimate Faster… I want to see you at home tomorrow evening by six o’clock. It’s your mother’s birthday. Your sister will be there. You can pick up the present you’re supposed to give your mother at Our Lady of Sorrows. I left it with Father O’Henry. Love papa.”
[CAMERA… CUT to title:
TELEX FROM SANDMAN TO DAVID FASTER
CUT to Lancherz’s office. There is no one in the office. The camera pans the desk looking for the telex. The camera finds it on the floor.
CLOSE UP of telex. Read by Sandman’s voice.
SANDMAN: “ATTENTION DAVID FASTER. Regret urgent business prevents our meeting. Suggest you postpone trip to Sudbury. Will advise time and location for our meeting. Sandman.”
[CAMERA… CUT to title:
POSTCARD FROM DAVID FASTER TO MUMS
CUT to David Faster at a desk in a hotel room. He is writing a postcard.
CUT to postcard of Hamilton smoke stacks.
FASTER: “Mums. Having a terrific time. Everyone here is so friendly. I’m making a good impression with my reports to Mr. Marvellous. Weather is still sunny. My rash is almost cleared up. The cucumber’s seem to be working wonders. Sometimes I get so bored in the classroom. The students seem so indifferent. I tried telling a joke like you suggested but no one laughed. The nights are so lonely. Wish you were here. Love David.”
END OF SCENE TWO
[CAMERA… Shot of title:
IN THE HALLWAYS
FADE to white. CUT to a hallway in a school. Faster leans against a wall as students move to their classes. Some students lean against their lockers laughing. One kid dribbles a basketball down the hall. Another student is carrying a small step ladder. Another student is filming his feet moving with a video camera. In the corner behind Faster a young man is making a drug deal with another student. Off to one side two students are making out. The girl is chewing gum. Her boyfriend is trying to open a condom package. Faster is talking to a group of students.
FASTER: “Shouldn’t you be going to class?”
CRAIG: “I’ve got a sore throat.”
FASTER: “Have you tried Cod Liver Oil?”
CRAIG: “I’m allergic to fish.”
MARIA: “Cod are an endangered species.”
CRAIG: “I caught it off my sister.”
ROGER: “His sister has the big C.”
FASTER: “Cancer? That’s terrible.”
ROGER: “She smokes too much.”
MARIA: “My father was dieing of cancer when he was killed in a car accident.”
CRAIG: “She’s pregnant. Her boyfriend gave her hepatitis.”
FASTER: “Didn’t she take precautions?”
MARIA: “His breaks failed.”
ROGER: “How was she supposed to know that her boyfriend had hepatitis?”
CRAIG: “Does licorice really turn women on?”
ROGER: “No kidding. Red or black?”
FASTER: “What is your sister going to do about the baby?”
CRAIG: “That’s been fixed.”
MARIA: “Licorice is carcinogenic. After my father died my mother tried to commit suicide. She ate a garbage bag of licorice.”
CRAIG: “Are you an undercover cop? Our last hall monitor was a cop.”
FASTER: “I’m just filling in.”
CRAIG: “Does incense turn chicks on? I heard the chicks that go to church are really hot.”
MARIA: “She had her stomach pumped. Since then she’s refused to cook. So we order out every night.”
ROGER: “What kind of car do you drive?”
FASTER: “I don’t drive. You’re going to be late for class.’
CRAIG: “I’ve got a spare.”
ROGER: “Don’t drive? That’s bullshit. Everyone drives.”
MARIA: “I’ve got a supply. Mrs. Damani is on the rag.”
ROGER: “I saw some guys strip a teacher’s car to a hollow shell in minutes.”
CRAIG: “I heard that if you eat too many carrots, your cock turns orange.”
[CAMERA… suddenly down the empty hall, a locker blows up. Faster turns to see debris flying into the hallway.
FASTER: “What the hell was that?”
ROGER: “Oh man that blew up real good!”
CRAIG: “Remember sir, we were here talking to you.”
END OF SCENE THREE
[CAMERA… Shot of title:
FADE to white. CUT to Faster’s hotel room. He is packing his suitcase for his trip to Sudbury. There is a knock at the door. Faster opens the door and in step two large bell hops followed by a small demure gentleman, Mr. Vento, dressed impeccably in a three piece suit. A small badge “Assistant Manager” is clipped to his lapel.
FASTER: “Can I help you, gentlemen?”
VENTO: “I understand that you are leaving us, Mr. Faster.”
[CAMERA… The two bell hops each grab one of Faster’s arms and drag him over to a wall. Lifting him, they pin him against the wall.
FASTER: “I have to be out at the airport by 3 o’clock. Would it be too much of you to forward my laundry? It’s just a couple of boxer shorts. Just throw them in an envelope and forward them to the Sudbury Board of Education. Personnel.”
VENTO: “Pretty cool customer, Faster. But you seem to be in an awful hurry. Running away from something, are we?”
FASTER: “Do you suppose you could ask these two fellas to put me down? I’m afraid of heights.”
[CAMERA… CLOSE UP of Vento. He nods to the two bell hops.
CUT TO LONG SHOT… Bell hops lower Faster to the floor. One of them grabs Faster’s arms while the other buries his fist in Faster’s stomach.
CUT to CLOSE UP of Faster bent over his face in considerable pain.
CUT to LONG SHOT… Faster sinks to the floor, moaning and holding his stomach.
VENTO: “Show Mr. Faster his bill.”
[CAMERA… One of the bell hops reaches into his pocket and pulls out a sheet of paper neatly folded several times until it is a little square. Meticulously the bell hop unfolds the little square piece of paper.
CLOSE UP of Vento, his eyes rising to the ceiling, waiting impatiently for the bell hop to unwrap the bill.
LONG SHOT… The bell hop hands the bill to Faster who is still on the floor, moaning and holding his stomach. He reads the bill.
FASTER: “This… this is ridiculous. I never made all these long distance calls. And I never touched the liquor cabinet. Who ordered room service? And I most certainly did not rent two rooms. What would I do with two rooms?”
VENTO: “So you were going to skip out on your bill.”
FASTER: “There’s something wrong here.”
VENTO: “Your fiancé warned us that you might react like this.”
VENTO: “A lovely young woman.”
FASTER: “What did she look like?”
VENTO: “You don’t know what your fiancé looks like?”
FASTER: “Her name wouldn’t be Ellen Ellery, would it?”
VENTO: “At least you know her name. She said you’d cover her expenses.”
FASTER: “Not bloody likely.”
VENTO: “I know your type. Don’t pay alimony! Don’t pay child support! Just take off and leave us taxpayers to clean up your mess.”
FASTER: “I’m not married. I don’t have kids. And I ain’t paying this bill.”
[CAMERA… Faster moves quickly away from the two bell hops.
FASTER: “Don’t come any closer! I’ve got a gun.”
[CAMERA… Vento and the two bell hops begin to laugh. Faster smiles sheepishly. He turns around and reaches into his bag that is laying on the bed. He pulls out a gun. Faster laughs.
FASTER: “Okay now! This is a real gun with real bullets inside. And I am very nervous.”
VENTO: “Do you have a license for that gun, sir?”
FASTER: “In my bag somewhere.”
VENTO: “I must insist that you hand that revolver over to me at this very instant!”
[CAMERA… The gun goes off by accident. One of the bell hops screams out in pain and falls to the floor.
FASTER: “Why did he move? He shouldn’t have moved.”
VENTO: “He sneezed! It’s the flu. Everyone has it.”
1ST BELL HOP: “Ahhhh!”
[CAMERA… Bell hop is writhing on the floor. 2nd bell hop raises his hands over his head. Slowly he edges backwards toward the door. Vento looks down at bell hop angrily.
VENTO: “Will you shut-up! I can’t think! You have put us in a most difficult position, Mr. Faster.”
FASTER: “I didn’t mean to shoot him! It was an accident!”
VENTO: “You have to understand our position, Mr. Faster. The books have to be balanced. Mr. Sandman runs a tight ship.”
FASTER: “Mr. Sandman and I are business associates.”
VENTO: “Excuse me! You know Mr. Sandman?”
FASTER: “I was supposed to meet him here at the hotel but he got caught up in some business affairs in Toronto.”
[CAMERA… The 1st bell hop is still moaning on the floor. Vento looks down at him and kicks in the stomach.
VENTO: “Shut the fuck up! Oh my. This is embarrassing. Why didn’t you say that you and Mr. Sandman…”
FASTER: “You didn’t ask.”
VENTO: “I didn’t ask! Am I expected to think of everything? Can’t someone else take the initiative? Must I always be expected to be the one to lead the God damn parade? Jesus!”
FASTER: “That foot looks pretty bad. Maybe you should call for…”
VENTO: “Mr. Faster, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I’m sure you can understand that even in the best run organizations, mistakes happen. I’d appreciate it if you’d forget all about this unfortunate incident. Mr. Sandman doesn’t have to hear about this. Don’t get me wrong. I love Mr. Sandman but he is not always the most understanding…”
FASTER: “And the bill?”
VENTO: “Compliments of the hotel.”
FASTER: “My lips are sealed.”
VENTO: “I am eternally grateful. If there ever is anything…”
[CAMERA… Bell hop cries out. Vento looks down at him and gives him another boot.
END OF SCENE FOUR
[CAMERA… Shot of title:
FADE to white. CUT hotel lobby where Faster is dragging a suitcase. He spots Lancherz in the bar. Putting his luggage to one side, Faster joins Lancherz at the bar. It is obvious by Lancherz’s appearance that he has been in the bar for some time.
LANCHERZ: “Sit down old buddy, old pal, old sod. Have a drink and help me bury my thoughts.”
FASTER: “Can’t stay long. I’ve got a plane to catch.”
LANCHERZ: “Departures. The bitterest defeats. She is with someone else and I am still here. You’ve heard the news?”
FASTER laughs: “I was the first…”
LANCHERZ: “You are laughing. You are laughing at me. I must seem the fool. Perhaps I should laugh. Let my tears brew a gayer drink.”
FASTER: “I am not laughing.”
LANCHERZ: “I am totally… I don’t know the words to describe what I am. One picture of her would exhaust the English language. Words are so final. This pain has no end.”
FASTER: “You’re hurt.”
LANCHERZ: “Yes. Hurt. That’s the word I was looking for. Oh David, my dear thesaurus, what am I going to do? It’s not like I am twenty years old and can start fresh.”
FASTER: “You’ll make new friends. You’re the kind of person that people take to. Roberto, you have that rare gift of generosity that is so appealing in a world of bottom lines.”
LANCHERZ: “Friendship! You think this is some mere token of my heart that has been leased to pain? Some one night stand of forlornness? I am in agony!”
[CAMERA… CLOSE UP of tears running down Faster’s face. He takes out a Kleenex and blows his nose.
CUT to medium shot of Lancherz and Faster at bar. They order a round. Lancherz drinks both of them and orders another for himself.
FASTER: “I’m touched, Roberto. I’m really…”
LANCHERZ: “I almost feel married…”
FASTER: “Please, Roberto. I love you too, but not…”
LANCHERZ: “All these years and they just let me go. Flicked into the street like a used match.”
LANCHERZ: “My job was my mistress. All the memories. All the students I’ve escorted through the hallow halls of academia. The Germans with their voracious appetites for order. The laughter of the Italians. The cute little Japanese students with their unbounded courtesy. The music of those Jamaican and Irish voices. I’ve become redundant! Obsolete! Tossed into the trash can of history like a Commodore. Twenty years flushed down the toilet. Dismissed! Shunted!”
[CAMERA… Lancherz downs the drink placed in front of him and orders another.
LANCHERZ: “Suck the best out of me and then flicked into the street like an apple core. Chewed up and spit out like a wad of gum. I’m just one more used styrofoam cup. It’s over. A shell of a man. Give me a gun and let me finish the job!”
FASTER: “You shouldn’t talk like that Roberto. You still have a lovely wife and...”
LANCHERZ: “Maria? She’s gone too.”
FASTER: “Not Maria! But you were so… compatible.”
LANCHERZ: “Sure, I fooled around a little. I have needs. Am I not a man? Show me one husband who hasn’t strayed from the bridal path and I’ll…”
FASTER: “I’m sorry. I didn’t… I can’t believe that she left you because you lost your job.”
LANCHERZ: “My job? Maria left me over a few cold sores. Herpes! They’ll find a cure. There are breakthroughs every day in medical science. All the furniture we bought together. Doesn’t that mean anything?”
FASTER: “It’s always darkest before…”
LANCHERZ: “And then the final blow. The coup de grass. To be forsaken by the one person who over the last few days has left that indelible character called true love…”
FASTER: “Oh Roberto. I had no idea.”
LANCHERZ: “I’ve never felt so close to another human being in all my life. My soul mate has…”
FASTER: “To hell with Sudbury. I’ll tell Marvellous that I can’t leave. I’ll be here for…”
LANCHERZ: “She was the best piece of ass I ever had.”
FASTER: “Say what?”
LANCHERZ: “Ellen has left. She took off this morning for Toronto to meet someone named Paul Man. What can he offer her? Money? Trips to Wasaga Beach?”
FASTER: “You and Ellen?”
LANCHERZ: “She was like a black hole. Once inside her heart, nothing escapes.”
FASTER: “Come to Sudbury with me. You’ll forget all of this.”
LANCHERZ: “That’s very kind of you old man…”
FASTER: “The trip will take your mind off all of this. Sudbury is where the astronauts practiced their moon walk. You’ll feel like you’ve left the planet.”
LANCHERZ: “Go to Sudbury? With you?”
FASTER: “We’ll do the town. It’ll be great fun.”
LANCHERZ: “Nothing personal, old man, but I don’t really enjoy your company. You’re the dullest person I’ve ever met.”
FASTER: “I thought we were friends.”
LANCHERZ: “Friends. It was my job to entertain you. I was following Sandman’s instructions. Now that I’ve lost my job, his wrath will fall upon me.”
FASTER: “I’m sure Mr. Sandman will be sympathetic.”
LANCHERZ: “Do you know the Sandman?”
FASTER: “Well, no. I was hoping to meet with him soon.”
LANCHERZ: “He is not a man who receives bad news well.”
FASTER: “But losing your job… surely he will see…”
LANCHERZ: “I am a dead man walking.”
END OF SCENE FIVE
[CAMERA… Shot of title:
FADE to white. CUT to inside of airplane in flight.
MEDIUM SHOT of Faster in his seat. He is by the window. The other two seats beside him are empty. Faster is asleep.
FASTER muttering: “Hate. Hate. Cocoa. I want Quick. Water. Room temperature. Could someone turn down the heat. The cat. Keep the cat away. Whose that? Whose there?”
A house plant is huddled in the corner of the room. A watering can steps across the room. The house plant screams out and scampers to another corner of the room.
FASTER muttering: “And no tea. I don’t care if it’s Earl Grey. And no coffee. I’ll never get to sleep. Must tell. Must tell. The cleaning lady didn’t vacuum under the couch. Rash is under control. Ellen stole my cucumbers.”
Faster is running through a series of rooms. He has a cleaver in his hand. He is chasing a chicken. He runs into a room where the bed sheets have been pulled back. There is blood on the floor. A human foot in a black shoe is dancing around.
FASTER muttering: “My toe nails won’t stop growing. Wear shoes to bed. Shoe polish all over the sheets. The maid looks disgusted. It’s only shoe polish. You’ve got to believe me. Put Noxzema on my nose.”
Faster is examining his nose in the mirror. Skin cancer, he cries. His nose comes off in his hands. Falls off into the sink. Down the drain. Panics. Tries to reach into the sink with his fingers.
FASTER muttering: “Didn’t mean to pull the trigger. He shouldn’t have moved. The blood. Who could have thought there could be so much blood?”
Faster is in a restaurant. Ellen Ellery is sitting at the table. Faster serves her a bowl of bloody toes. She looks up at him and asks for Parmesan cheese.
FASTER muttering: “Why don’t you like me? I liked you Roberto. Friends. Where is Mums? I want my Mums.”
Faster is in a hotel room with a gun in his hand. Roberto is standing in front of him. The gun goes off. Roberto falls to the floor. Faster is in a hotel room with a gun in his hand. Bill Marvellous is standing in front of him. The gun goes off. Marvellous falls to the floor. Faster is in a hotel room with a gun in his hand. Ellen Ellery is standing in front of him. The gun goes off. Ellen falls to the floor. Faster is in a hotel room with a gun in his hand. The Sandman is standing in front of him. The gun goes off. The Sandman smiles.
FASTER muttering: “Accident. It was an accident. Gun went off. Only a dream. A dream. No one died. Sorry! Accident!”
Faster is being strapped into the electric chair. Two officers are attaching wires to Faster’s toes. Faster shakes his head. No, they’re innocent!
[CAMERA… A stewardess is bending over Faster and shaking him. He wakes up, startled. He looks at the stewardess.
FASTER: “I said I was sorry! What do you want from me?”
END OF SCENE SIX
END OF EPISODE SIX