I wanted to believe in something. I prayed. But all I could hear was the
echoed clang of a clapper against a bell. The bell ringer was dead. The
universe was empty… I was the miserable beggar on the street, my palms
slashed red with the cuts from freshly minted coins… I was the bitch,
the poor cur whining in the overheated parked car in the middle of the
afternoon in the middle of a parking lot in the middle of the suburbs… I
waited in the middle earth between paradise and suicide… I studied. I
studied with Plato in the coldness of his cave, huddled around the fire
as reality played out on the walls. I tried to find the sun but I could
never find the entrance to the cave… I argued with Sartre in a room with
no doors… I studied. Running along the streets of Copenhagen with
Kierkegaard as the Danish brats pelted us with stones and laughter. I
wanted to roast the little buggers over an open fire… I wept. Like hills
into ditches into an empty sky… I saw a lonely man hanging from a tree
and mistook him for Santa Claus. He looked down at me and smiled like a
drunk in an alley. ‘Follow me,’ he entreated. ‘Or buy me another glass
of wine. Or if you do not have any loose change, cut me down from this
tree where I have been abandoned by the wind.’
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LIFE AT THE RECTORY
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